[Virginia Woolf]

Novel B

  Sarah lived in a town house in Essex which was really nice. Her house had all her things in it. She liked it.

  In her house, she had books. One of her books was Angel, which was a really good book that was written by Katie Price.

  Sarah liked to read when she could, so sometimes she did read because she liked to. On one nice and sunny day in her house in Chelmsford, which is in Essex and is the best place in Essex, she started reading her book.

  Angel was so good. It was like if you’ve ever dressed up real nice and gone out on the town and then been hit on by all the guys all the time. So good!

  Lots of stuff happened in the book. Lots of really good stuff that was so great. And it was at that moment that what she decided was that she wanted lots of good stuff to happen in her life, too.

  The next day she organised a blind date. She did it via a friend but her friend wasn’t as important as her. Sarah was the best and her friend wasn’t even from central Essex, but she was good at finding men.

  The friend found a man and the man wanted to go on a date with Sarah.

  When Sarah got to her blind date with the man, she thought he was really hot.

  He had totes sexy lips, big thick pink lips really ready for kissing Sarah's beautiful face. His hair was blonde and wavy. He was so hot. He had big brown eyes like a puppy because puppies are cute but not like a puppy because the man on the blind date was sexy.

  It was like an irony or something.

  Sarah went and sat down at the chair opposite the man at the table.

  'Hello,' said Sarah.

  'Hello,' said the man.

  'My name is Sarah,' said Sarah.

  'I like the name Sarah,' said the man.

  'What is your name?' said Sarah.

  'Maybe if you get to know me better I'll give you my phone number,' said the man.

  He was so hot.

  'I'll give you my phone number,' said Sarah. She wrote down her name and phone number on a piece of paper and gave it to him.

  'What's your name?' the man said.

  'That would be telling,' Sarah said.

  'My name is Charles,' said the man, who was called Charles. 'What is your name?'

  'It is Sarah,' said Sarah.

  'I like the name Sarah, Sarah,' said Charles.

  'I like the name Charles, Charles,' said Sarah.

  Then Charles went back to Sarah's house. Charles was from Chelsea and Sarah was from Chelmsford, so they were basically worlds apart. Like chalk and cheese. Like East and West. Like George Bush Snr and George Bush Jnr. Sorry, I don't mean to get political. But Sarah could name two presidents of the America and they weren't even presidents of the America anymore! She was proper proud.

  But in despite their differences, Sarah and Charles got on well. They went through to her bedroom.

  'Is this okay?' she said. 'We're not moving too fast?'

  'I don't think so,' Charles said.

  They sat down on Sarah's bed and made out for a while.

  When Charles started taking his trousers off, Sarah held a hand up and said, 'I don't want to do that now.'

  Charles and Sarah kissed and cuddled a bit, then Charles went home.

  Sarah was reading Angel again. It was so good. By now, she thought, this must be the 2nd time I've read Angel. And every time I read Angel, I think it's different. Like, the first time I read it, I thought Angel was in love with Mickey. But now I know that Mickey is in love with Angel. It's like such a deep reading.

  That was when someone knocked on her door and she didn't know who it was.

  Sarah opened the door and Charles was stood there.

  ‘Hello?’ said Sarah.

  ‘Hello,’ said Charles.

  It was so tense.

  ‘How was your day?’ asked Charles.

  Sarah sighed. She was like really sad. She was sad because she'd been away from Charles.

  'Are you okay?' said Charles. Charles was from Chelsea. He wouldn't understand.

  'I've had a long day,' said Sarah. 'It all started when I woke up with a headache. I drank too much last night. Then I was thinking about you trying on too much with me last night.'

  'I din't mean anyfing by it, honestly.'

  'At least you is honest. That made me sad. Then mum rang and told me to get a boyfriend. Emotions are, like, I don't know.'

  'I could be your boyfriend,' said Charles.

  'You could.'

  Sarah and Charles made out, even though she was from Essex and he (Charles) was from Chelsea. It was really romantic.

  Sarah was reading Katie Price's Angel again. The characters were so deep!

  Angel was like really pretty so Sarah could relate. They both wore the same brand of fake tan.

  But real life isn't as idealised as it is in a Katie Price novel. It's more like Wuthering Heights. Sarah would have expressed this to Charles (it would have been beautiful) but she had never really read the actual book version that they made of Wuthering Heights.

  She had seen the ITV version from 2009, and it had him from Love Actually as the husband she shouldn't have married but they had a nice baby. Sarah had also seen the film one with one of the James Bonds in it, where he dies halfway through (not that she knew that, never having read the novel). She had also seen the MTV version called Sparkhouse with Francis out the middle from Malcolm in the Middle.

  Maybe Sarah would have more success with love if she knew the original story – the film from 1939.

  Charles came to the door one day when she was reading Angel.

  Sarah let him in through the door. He said he'd had a bad day. 'Do you want to hear more about my bad day?' said Charles.

  'Do go on,' Sarah would have said. But really she was too much reading Angel by Katie Price to care what was happening in the outside world. She continued to look down at the pages of the text. The story was so captivating!

  'As I say, I shan't bother you,' said Charles.

  Sarah didn't look up.

  'I'll just head over to the lounge on my own, shall I?'

  Charles thought it was the worst thing in the world ever when he had to find his own way into the lounge.

  Sarah remained locked in her book. 'Hmm?'

  Eventually, Sarah found a position in which she could place a finger in the book. She reached the end of a paragraph, put her finger in and looked up ready to listen.

  'Yes.'

  ‘Everything has gone badly,' said Charles.

  ‘Oh, dear.’

  ‘Things are not very happy and I am feeling quite sad about it.’

  Charles sat on the bed next to Sarah.

  Sarah sat up, ready to listen. ‘Tell me about it.’

  ‘Oh, Sarah, you won't want to hear.’

  ‘No, I do.’

  ‘Okay, then.’ Charles told her. ‘The day started off all right. You saw me this morning. I was okay. Then my breakfast was bad. I ordered bacon and eggs down Jim's Caff. He gave me scrambled eggs, when I thought it was gonna be fried eggs. It wasn't too good, but it's not the end of the world.'

  'I don't think so.'

  'Next I had to go to work as a banker. On the bus, someone sneezed on me. So you get the impression, not too happy.'

  'I'll say.'

  'At work, people mocked me because they went out when I was with you last night and had a great time without me. Overall it's been a pretty rubbish day.'

  ‘Well, you're back with me now,’ Sarah said in an attempt to comfort him but also to allow herself the safe passage back into the writing of Katie Price.

  'Then my phone rang,' said Charles.

  'Let me guess: the ring was too loud.'

  'No,' he said. 'My mum's dead.'

  Sarah nervously put her book down. 'Oh, God.' She walked over and put her hand on Charles's shoulder. 'Are you all right?'

  'Not really, no.'

  Sarah put her arm right round him. He squeezed her back and she felt him crying.

  Charles went through to Sarah's bedroom and they laid on
her bed quite a bit. After a while of sadness, Sarah turned to Charles and said, 'Do you want to move in?'

  'What?'

  'Do you want to move in with me?'

  'I think I'd like that.'

  'I think I would too.'

  They moved in together.

  After they moved in together, Charles noticed their communication beginning to slip.

  'How are you today, my love?' he asked.

  Sarah was absorbed in her book.

  'I said how are you?'

  She didn't hear him. Charles saw this was going nowhere. He could be insightful at times – and not so insightful at others. At this moment, Charles was somewhere between the two and not prepared, after the day he had had, to sit here with an inattentive Sarah and try to express himself.

  Charles took himself off to the bedroom. When there, he made the bed, as Sarah had neglected to do today, being absorbed in her book, and felt the satisfaction of acting for himself when helping others.

  Charles spent some time making the bed – a perfectionist in some areas – and then drew a heavy sigh when the light toil was complete.

  From here, Charles desperately needed to relax. He went through to a more personal room and picked up his favourite book.

  His favourite book was Angel by Katie Price. She was so wise she was like his hero.

  It was at this point that Charles drifted off into another world. It was like so good with the character Angel and everything. Charles was absorbed by the book.

  In the lounge, Sarah was sat on the furniture, reading some book she deemed good. But I know of true literature. I am the one who holds a true connection with art.

  Meanwhile, Sarah had no idea how arrogant Charles’s thoughts were getting. Sarah was not paying any attention to anything around her. The world was just moving by all on its own.

  Instead, Sarah had paid little attention to where and when Charles was. Sarah was far too engrossed in her book to care for Charles. The book was Angel. Angel had always made Sarah feel happy.

  Angel had the perfect mix of characters. Some were from Cheltenham and some were from Chelsea.

  It was so realistic! Because in the everyday real world some people were from Cheltenham and some people were from Chelsea. People in like the world were sometimes from different places and people in the book Angel by Katie Price were from different places, so the book was so good because people were from different places. She read more of the book’s pages. She sat and read a lot. Sometimes she liked reading and sometimes she didn’t. When she was reading Angel, she really liked reading Angel.

  When Charles stopped reading, he stopped looking at the words and turning the pages. Then he put the book down. There was tea to make. He couldn’t always just read Angel by Katie Price.

  Angel was the perfect book, so people should like it more.

  Charles left the leisure zone and gave into working. Work, labour, toil. That was life, and such a life must life be.

  Charles looked angrily at Sarah. He was angry because Sarah didn’t have anything to do and Charles had lots to do, which made him angry. She was so lazy, just reading all the time instead of doing anything real.

  Charles walked through to the kitchen and started cleaning the worktop. Cleaning and making the house look much nicer than it did look when it didn’t look so nice was like the most important thing to do. What good is reading if the like kitchen worktop is messy?

  ‘Some people have real work to do,’ Charles said, looking at Sarah. She ignored him. ‘Some people have to keep their houses tidy.’

  Charles tried to look angrily at Sarah, but all he could see was love. How sweet!

  It did seem fun, reading did, it did. Like lying there and like reading books. It looked good, but Charles had better things to do.

  Sarah like noticed that Charles was currently engaged in cleaning the kitchen. It was like so boring. I don’t know why he like wasted all that time on cleaning when there were real books to actually read and some of them were good like some (like Katie Price’s Angel) were classics.

  Charles was being like so boring. Like Sarah was really annoyed. Because, like, Charles was being quite really annoying, really, and that actually made Sarah quite annoyed with him.

  Charles got like quite annoyed with Sarah because she was just like reading all the time, actually. Then he just got up and walked over to her.

  'What you doing?' Charles asked. Charles sounded angry.

  'I'm reading,' Sarah replied. 'Because I like quite like reading. You should read. This is like a good book.'

  ‘I like reading, but you’re being lazy,’ said Charles.

  ‘How am I being lazy though?’ said Sarah.

  ‘You’re being lazy, though, because like you’re not actually doing anything,’ said Charles.

  ‘What am I meant to be doing?’ said Sarah.

  ‘It would be good if you could help me clean the kitchen,’ said Charles.

  ‘I can’t be bothered,’ said Sarah. She was like a proper feminist and everything but she wasn’t a lesbian. Girl power!

  ‘You’re being lazy,’ said Charles.

  ‘Who’s being lazy, though?’ said Sarah.

  ‘You’re being lazy,’ said Charles. ‘There’s cleaning to be done. I can’t stand timewasting.’

  ‘But I like like reading like books, though, like,’ said Sarah.

  ‘Can’t you just answer me normally?’ said Charles.

  ‘Just read a book,’ said Sarah.

  ‘No,’ said Charles. It was like Sarah was deliberately being really lazy. ‘We don’t even read the same sorts of books. You read girls’ books and I read boys’ books.’

  ‘You’re being lazy,’ said Charles.

  ‘But reading isn’t lazy,’ said Sarah. ‘It’s got words in it, so it’s harder than films except foreign films.’

  ‘Do some cleaning instead,’ said Charles.

  ‘No,’ said Sarah. It was so emotional and a bit powerful but not much.

  Sarah leant over the back of the sofa and carried on reading Angel while she didn’t do any cleaning.

  ‘Why don’t you help me with the cleaning?’ said Charles. ‘This place is such a tip.’

  ‘Can’t be bothered.’ Sarah kept on reading the book.

  Sarah was reading and Charles was cleaning, so it was quite quiet.

  Charles was quite annoyed with Sarah, but she didn’t care.

  Charles put on a song. He went over to the stereo, plugged in his phone, and played a song called ‘Free to Love Again’.

  ‘Er, actually, babe,’ said Sarah. ‘I don’t actually want that song to be like played anymore.’ She was lying; that is like how crafty she was.

  ‘But I like it,’ said Charles.

  ‘Turn it off,’ said Sarah.

  It was like a really good song. Katie Price was so good at like singing as well as properly writing.

  ‘Turn it off,’ said Sarah.

  ‘What?’ said Charles.

  ‘I hate it,’ said Sarah.

  ‘You hate it?’ said Charles. ‘I don’t really understand how you can hate it.’

  ‘Why is that confusing?’ said Sarah.

  ‘But you really like Katie Price,’ said Charles.

  ‘So. I hate that song. It’s just the worst,’ said Sarah.

  ‘You’re wrong,’ said Charles.

  ‘How can I be wrong?’ said Sarah. ‘It’s my opinion.’

  ‘I don’t care. I like “Free to Love Again” and I’m going to play “Free to Love Again”,’ said Charles.

  Sarah like got up and switched the song off. She clicked a button on the CD player and ended the music. It was like so powerful and totally emotional, just like when women first got the votes from men.

  Charles went out the room, like a loser.

  Charles spent all his time reading. He really liked reading. The book he was reading was the book called Angel. That was the book that he was reading and it was a really good book that he really enjoyed
.

  Charles went back to his room and read lots of Angel. Angel was a really good book by Katie Price. Cleverly, the character in Angel was called ‘Angel’, which is the same as the title of the book Angel by Katie Price which starred Angel.

  Charles stopped reading and thought like really hard. He should be like a strong figure just like the character Angel from the book Angel by Katie Price which was written by Katie Price and was named the same thing as the title character

  He wanted to like properly go against Sarah’s orders. He went into the living room and like switched the song back on again.

  ‘I’m fed up of all of this,’ said Sarah. ‘Do you want to like have sex with me?’

  ‘Yes, I do,’ said Charles.

  ‘I’m totally excited about this,’ said Sarah.

  Then they had sex. It was properly romantic. They both really enjoyed it.

  For the next couple of days, Sarah walked around, grinning loads.

  ‘What is it?’ Charles said. ‘Why do you keep grinning all the time?’ he said.

  ‘Isn’t it obvious?’ said Sarah. ‘Sex is good.’

  Sex is good. Never a truer word spoken. It was as clear as day. It was like a proper metaphor or something. Sex is like really good.

  Sex is like making real life. And if you don't use protection that sometimes really happens.

  It was like the best.

  Nothing had ever made Sarah and Charles like think as much as this.

  ‘Oh, Sarah,’ said Charles. She opened her mouth to speak, but the words never like happened.

  ‘It’s okay. Don’t be afraid,’ said Sarah.

  ‘I am afraid,’ said Charles. ‘Our relationship’s changed a bit now, hasn’t it?’

  ‘Probably,’ said Sarah, romantically. ‘D’you want to do it again?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  It was properly romantic.

  They hugged lots after sex.

  It vibrated through their whole bodies. When they did stuff, it was like so properly real good.

  Sarah and Charles realised that they could cope.

  ‘I properly love you,’ said Sarah.

  ‘You’re well fit,’ said Charles.

  ‘What do we do now?’ asked Sarah.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Charles. ‘I’m hungry. Let’s get food.’

  ‘That’s like so romantic,’ said Charles.

  He wondered what to do next.

  ‘There’s only one thing to do next,’ Sarah explained. ‘We read.’

  Sarah read lots more of Angel by Katie Price, which was a book by Katie Price. She picked up the book again. It was like really good.

  ‘Oh, Sarah,’ said Charles. Charles was sat on the chair next to the sofa. ‘I don’t want to be left alone.’

  ‘You aren’t alone. You never have to be alone. I am here and you are here and so we are together,’ said Sarah.

  ‘But I’m alone,’ said Charles

  Sarah put her arm around Charles. ‘Read and you’ll never be alone,’ said Sarah. ‘Because books are written by like old and dead people.’

  Sarah read loads of Angel by Katie Price. Katie Price was so good, like a prophet or Jesus or someone.

  Charles picked up his book, which was the book Angel by Katie Price. It was like proper good, and probably like the best book which was ever written.

  ‘I lied,’ said Sarah.

  ‘What?’ said Charles.

  ‘Earlier, when I said I hated “Free to Love Again”. That was complete rubbish,’ said Sarah.

  ‘Really?’ said Charles.

  ‘Yes,’ said Sarah. ‘“Free to Love Again” is my favourite song ever,’ said Sarah. ‘I listen to it practically every day,’ said Sarah. ‘I was overjoyed when I discovered you liked it too, but we were blanking each other and our shared joy made me detest you more,’ said Sarah.

  'That's all right with me,' said Charles.

  Sarah and Charles really enjoyed listening to ‘Free to Love Again’. It was like really good.

  Sarah read lots of Angel, her favourite novel by her favourite writer, Katie Price. Charles did the same, also reading Angel by Katie Price. After five minutes of reading, Sarah and Charles put down their books, which were both the book Angel and both books were by Katie Price. Sarah and Charles looked at each other.

  ‘Did you enjoy?’ asked Sarah.

  ‘Yes. Angel is my favourite book,’ said Charles. ‘It’s my favourite. I’ve read it loads of times before.’

  ‘I sometimes feel like Angel is the only person I can connect to. Nobody else appears to understand me. Apart from you. But like Angel is such a good character, because she’s so real. You know what I mean? Even though she’s not real, but she like is like real,’ said Sarah.

  Charles proper kissed Sarah. ‘Oh my God, babes, that’s like exactly what I was just thinking,’ Charles said.

  ‘Is it like really?’ said Sarah.

  ‘Yes, it is what I was going to say,’ said Charles.

  ‘I feel a properly deep connection to Angel because she’s so like me,’ said Sarah.

  ‘You really connect to Angel?’ said Charles.

  ‘Yes, I do connect to Angel,’ said Sarah.

  ‘Angel?’ said Charles.

  ‘Yes, Angel. Angel is a character,’ said Sarah.

  ‘As in the character Angel, from the novel Angel?’ said Charles.

  ‘Yes,’ said Sarah. ‘I really love you, babe. I’m reading Angel by Katie Price at the moment,’ said Sarah.

  ‘Yes! I love Angel. It is like my favourite book ever,’ said Charles.

  ‘Angel is my favourite book, apart from What Katie Did Next, which I don’t think counts as a book because it’s not a book,’ said Sarah.

  Charles was like properly in love with Sarah. It was like so romantic! ‘Oh, Sarah!’ he said romantically in a romantic way.

  ‘Charles! I love you. If only we had like known earlier that we had this weird connection,’ said Sarah.

  ‘This is like properly surreal,’ said Charles.

  Sarah was like properly excited. ‘Really? You like Angel?’

  ‘Yes. It’s excellent. Why?’ said Charles.

  ‘I like Angel. It’s what I was just reading.’ Sarah picked up the book she’d just put down and showed the cover. The cover said the title of the book Angel.

  Angel

  by Katie Price

  Charles took the book out of her hands. ‘That’s like proper pretty.’

  ‘I read it for the first time a few months ago. It was like really good. When I first read it, I thought it was about people in love. Now I read it, I feel like it’s about being in love. It’s like so different.’

  ‘That’s like so psychological!’ said Charles. ‘You’re like Frederick Socrates!’

  ‘Do you ever find you read a book differently on the second run through?’ said Sarah.

  ‘I rarely have the opportunity to read a book more than once, so I don’t have the experience,’ said Charles.

  ‘You should read more,’ said Sarah. ‘Spend more time with Angel.’

  ‘I would love to spend more time with Angel. She’s my bit in Angel.’

  ‘You like Angel?’

  ‘Oh, Sarah,’ said Charles. ‘Angel is not just what makes Angel like really good. Angel is Angel.’

  ‘I had no idea you were into Angel or like any Katie Price books!’ said Sarah.

  ‘Yeah, it’s well good,’ said Charles.

  ‘Isn’t it like so good?’ said Sarah.

  ‘Yeah, it’s proper good,’ said Charles.

  ‘Yeah, I really thought it was quite properly good,’ said Sarah.

  Sarah and Charles sat in silence for a bit. Then they listened to ‘Free to Love Again’. It was still really properly good. They both loved listening to ‘Free to Love Again’.

  'Who's this playing?' said Charles.

  'It's Katie Price,' Sarah said.

  'Is it?' said Charles. He did not know that it was Katie Price that was playing.
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  'Yeah, it really is,' said Sarah.

  ‘That’s well cool,’ said Charles.

  I can’t believe I’ve only known you two days,’ said Sarah.